Coach's Compass: Attraction, Sincerity & What's Worth Compromising On

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With Christian Dating Coach Rebekah Jewel, founder of Christian Singles Connect, which brings city-wide Christian events to individuals in their 20’s, 30’s, 40’s & 50’s+.

🌟 About Coach’s Compass
Coach’s Compass is Ark’s monthly Q&A series with Christian Dating Coaches. Each edition features real questions from singles navigating the ups and downs of modern dating — and practical, faith-centered advice from coaches who get it.

Q1: How important is physical attraction long term?

-Am I vain?

Rebekah’s Answer:
Dear Am I vain,

If you are asking as a woman, I would say most married women find that long-term attraction to their husband is based more on whether he is kind, loving, responsible, and a good partner and father than on anything physical.

If you are asking as a man, attraction is more layered and nuanced than it may seem. Even as physical appearance changes over time, when there is respect, affection, and mutual enjoyment in intimacy, that combination can keep love and attraction strong.

God designed love with this depth and staying power. However, two things can weaken it over time. One is a lack of forgiveness — bitterness can quietly damage attraction. The other is breaking the Tenth Commandment by coveting what is not yours. Sexual images of others can shift our hearts away from contentment in our spouse.

But when you keep your focus on your spouse, practice forgiveness, and stay grateful, love and attraction remain strong over time. Remember, God is on your side, and He is the One who wired sexual pleasure for marriage — and marriage for a lifetime.

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Q2: How do I know if he is truly pursuing God, or just saying the right things?

-Don't waste my time?

Rebekah’s Answer:
"Dear Don’t waste my time,

There’s really no shortcut — you have to watch someone’s actions over time. Of course, nobody wants to spend months doing this only to realize a person isn’t who they claimed to be.

That’s why I recommend approaching dating more slowly and intentionally. Personally, I think it’s wise not to consider yourselves officially “dating” until you’ve spent time together a few times simply getting acquainted. Keeping things low-pressure at first: not rushing emotions, not overcommitting, not having physical intensity, keeps your ability to discern a person’s character more clear.

After that, it’s a focus on consistency. Are their actions lining up with their words? Do they treat people well? Are they still willing to keep physical contact minimal?

I also think meeting each other’s friends matters a lot. The people someone surrounds themselves with often tell you a great deal about who they are. If their close friendships reflect maturity, sincerity, stability, and faithfulness, that’s usually a very positive sign."

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Q3: How do I know if I'm settling or just being too picky?

-Just a girl

Rebekah’s Answer:
"Dear Just a Girl,

A good rule of thumb is this: if it’s a matter of character, don’t compromise. But if it’s purely external — looks, income, height, weight, status, charm — then yes, you may need to compromise at least somewhat. Otherwise, you could stay single for a very long time, especially if your expectations are unrealistic or disconnected from who you are yourself.

People expect love to happen the way it does in the movies, but the truth is that for many married couples, one partner (often the woman) takes much longer to fall in love than the other. The antidote is time and genuine connection.

When you truly get to know people, something beautiful happens: those who are actually a good fit for you begin to appear more and more attractive. Meanwhile, the people you once obsessed over often lose their shine.

The challenge today is that modern dating rarely allows for that process.

People often feel pressured to make decisions after just one date, one conversation, one Sunday volunteer event, or even one swipe on an app. But most relationships need repeated exposure and shared experiences before clarity comes.

That’s why online dating can be part of your path toward marriage, but joining in-person groups or activities with other Christian singles can help too. And when you do meet someone online, consider giving them more than one date before deciding on an absolute “no.” Sometimes people need a little time before they feel comfortable enough for their real personality to show.

LOVE is spelled T-I-M-E."

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